We swam. We played in the sand. We soaked up the sun.

The boys’ first trip to the beach was an anomaly as we would later find out, but the first day was full of smiles as these boys scampered along the beach clutching their shovels and falling head over heels only to return with their faces caked with sand. I’m not sure I would recommend bringing a 15-month old to the beach. They still suck on their fingers and are challenged at deciphering between food and non-food. Not a good combination when it comes to the beach. I think they ate more sand than they played with. Taylor tried to munch on a shell and, on several occasions, they literally sucked the sand off their fingers. We would bring them home with their diapers filled with sand and sleepiness in their eyes. Oh the trials of packing up sand-coated toddlers. But with a pool back home, it was easy to give them a quick dunk and cart them off for nap time.

Later in the week we would travel to the beach again. If it wasn't for the loud surf, our twins might have distracted the competing surfers with their high screeches and their long, energy-draining cries. In fact, the surf was so loud that Troy was oblivious to the sounds of my struggles at keeping two crazy boys…well, not crazy. At least, that was the story when he returned to the beach to provide a helping hand. (A big thanks to the wonderful lady who jumped at the chance to flag him in. I think she felt sorry for me.)

On some levels, it seemed as if the boys had completely forgotten how fun the beach can really be. Benjamin was refusing to touch the sand with his hands. He would fumble around in a sitting position, hands in the air, as he tried to figure out how to master the art of standing without touching the ground. All attempts ended with a fall; face first, into a nice mound of sand.

Taylor was a wild card. One second smiling and laughing, the next second clinging to your leg for dear life. We did get some giggles out of the kid as we played keep away from the ice-cold, rolling waves. But every toddler has their limit and once you see the crash coming, it is important to make your getaway as quickly as possible. No one wants to see a family in meltdown mode. The sand, the beach toys, the dirty towels make this getaway increasingly difficult, but somehow we managed to get them back home, fed and in bed for the longest nap of the vacation.

Nap time is definitely important for the kids, but I think that it can be argued that it is equally, if not more, important for the parents. As the kids settled in for naps on the last day of the vacation, we enjoyed some high quality adult time out in the sun. Sipping on a cold beverage, listening to some tunes. Ahhhh…that was the life. Till next year.

Decisions, decisions

What is it about becoming a parent that heightens your every sense? Since discovering our pregnancy the strength and volatility of my emotions has completely caught me off guard. Every action, decision and thought surrounding our kids results in a reaction of the heart that can be too much to handle. When the boys trigger that motherly love I feel it so deep within my soul that I honestly believe I could crush them with it. When they frustrate me, it’s everything I can do not to run down the road screaming my head off (you mothers know you’ve thought about it).

When I imagined what it would be like to be a mom, I thought nothing could be more difficult than adjusting to that very first day. And then maybe I realized it would take a good three months (when the babies are done with their colicky, spit uppy, screamy behavior) before I would really feel like things are getting back to normal.

The truth of the matter is that things never go back to normal. Before kids, our most difficult decisions involved where to move, what to get each other for Christmas and where to vacation. Now our decisions are tied to these two precious boys who are at the heart of our family. Sure, we’ve had our fair share of tough situations like the boys stay in the NICU and Taylor’s week long bout with pneumonia, but even the seemingly small decisions seem huge. I feel as if this first year of life sets the ground work for their entire life and boy that’s a big load to handle.

My mind reels with an infinite number of questions on a regular basis: Am I feeding the boys enough? Am I feeding them the right things? How’s their social life faring? Do we need to get them out more? Is it okay to switch laundry detergent now? The questions keep going and going. And every question seems to take some monumental decision-making on my part. It’s no wonder that our decision to change the kids daycare situation would end up causing me so much stress that I would literally come down with a self-induced migraine.

For weeks I would weigh the advantages and disadvantages of hiring a nanny. And, believe me, there were way too many to even recount here. In the end, we realized that the best thing to do would be to lay our cards out on the table and see which one God would point us to. That’s when we met Miss A. We had no doubt that God led her to our doorstep. But even with the surety we felt as we hired Miss A to start as our nanny, I felt a deep sadness at removing the kids from their current daycare. The strength of my emotions literally brought me to tears the day I broke the news to the current childcare provider. I recall driving to work that morning in awe and wonder at the onset of these feelings. Kids provide a whole new dynamic to our decision-making and it’s truly unbelievable how emotionally charged these decisions really are.

So, as we close out their first year in daycare and enter their first year under the care of a nanny, I remind myself that we have 17 more years of this. At some point, I must learn to relax a little, right? Or maybe this is what being a mother is all about. Every year there will be some big decisions to make and each year these kids will move closer and closer to independence and I will have to trust that as I lay my cards out on the table, God will always help me to choose the right one.